Written by Adeline J. Wells
As a child, I used to think of the term “boundary” as having a negative connotation to it. Defined by Oxford Languages as “a limit of a subject or sphere of activity,” I used to associate the word with other things that would get me in trouble, similarly to “forbidden” or “against the rules.” The word “boundaries” itself was indicative of things I couldn’t do, so my childlike mind associated that as something negative and unpleasant.
It wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that I came to form a more advanced understanding of boundaries as being a necessary, important part of everyday life. I remember a shift when all of a sudden this term “boundaries” was being used in everyday conversation with my friends when discussing our relationships with family, partners, and one another. Rather than being used as a “negative” word, when I began using it it became a form of advocating for myself. The creation of my personal boundaries was key to structuring a life I was happy with for myself, as well as to forming healthy and successful relationships.
Boundaries can look like different things, depending on the nature of each specific relationship they’re applied to. However, each and every relationship should have boundaries in some form; many already do, even if you don’t call them that! Common boundaries in a romantic relationship could be not being intimate with other people beyond your partner, or not talking about a former traumatic experience. Familial boundaries, especially boundaries with parents can often be difficult to form, because often parents feel a sense of entitlement to their children’s mental, emotional, and physical entities (i.e expecting their child to always provide a level of emotional support, expecting them to always give someone a hug, etc.). However, failing to form boundaries within familial relationships can quickly become draining and triggering for all involved Creating healthy boundaries protects one from overextending themselves in relationships, thus allowing the relationship space to remain beneficial and safe.
Just as boundaries are important to set in our external relationships, it is also important to set them with oneself. Often considered a form of self-care, boundaries can be set in areas of our personal life such as our finances, work, daily routine, and physical and mental health. Many examples of boundaries with oneself may be things we already commit to, such as sticking to a financial budget, not looking at any screens before bedtime, or only drinking two cups of coffee per day. However, boundaries with oneself can also be more abstract. It could be honoring the promises you make to yourself, or nourishing your body whenever you are hungry. Boundaries with oneself are rules set up in order to ensure that we are living to the highest standard that we can.
Of course, the concept of boundaries is only useful and beneficial when implemented with the correct intent. Over the past several weeks, there have been conversations in the media about the misuse of clinical terms and “therapy speak,” or when they are used by people to control and/or manipulate the other person in the relationship. These are tricky waters to navigate, however, one may advocate that deepening our understanding and practice of creating healthy boundaries can help us recognize when they are being weaponized in an unhealthy way. There may not be a perfect answer or solution to this issue, but remaining conscious of truth creates the space for us to identify its absence as well.
When we have boundaries that we assert in relationships with others and with ourselves, we are able to communicate clearly what we do and don’t want within those spaces. This allows us to honor our truth, and to live out our lives in an intentional, healthy way.
